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This article is re-blogged in its entirety from: https://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/2015/04/17/ten-ways-to-tighten-your-writing-hook-the-reader/
When I used to edit for a living, I earned the moniker
The Death Star
because I can be a tad ruthless with prose. Today I hope to teach you
guys to be a bit ruthless as well. Before we get started, I do have a
quick favor to ask. Some of you may know that I practice Brazilian Jiu
Jitsu so I’ve taken on our dojo’s blog to see if we can try out new and
fun content and am using the moniker Dojo Diva.
I posted about how hard it is to
begin and the fears that can ever keep us from starting. The
way others try to stop us from doing anything remarkable. I’d love to
hear your thoughts and stories, so I hope you will stop by and get the
discussion going.
Click the word “Comments” and a box should appear. This is new, so
working out the kinks. If you don’t appear, I may just need to approve
you.
To prime the pump, so to speak,
anyone
who comments on the new blog will be drawn for a separate contest to
win 20 pages of Death Star Treatment (rigorous edit from ME). This means a lot higher chances of winning. Also, the first ten commenters get double entries.
Been bragging about you guys, so I really hope to see you there!
Moving on…
Time is our enemy. Most people don’t have enough. This is why our
writing must be tight, direct and hook early. Modern audiences have the
attention span of a toddler hopped up on Pop Rocks and Mountain Dew. We
can’t afford to let them drift.
Drift=Bad juju
I’ve edited countless books, many from new authors. I see a lot of
the same errors, and this is to give you a basic guide of what to look
for in your writing. Be your own Death Star. Blast away this weak
writing so that once you do hire an editor, it won’t cost nearly as much
because the editor won’t spend precious time (charged often by the
hour) to note or remove these basic offenses.
I love doing my 20-page contest, namely because I act as an
intermediary. When I run across excellent writing I do try to connect it
with an agent who might be interested (with the author’s permission, of
course). Yet, many of the samples I get are infested with these basic
oopses that tell me the writer is not yet ready.
So I hope you can use these tips as a guide to reveal the pearl that is your
story.
Tip #1—Use Other Senses. BTW, Sight is the Weakest
A lot of writers (new ones especially) rely on a lot of description regarding what a character
sees, and while this isn’t, per se,
wrong it
can be overdone. Also, of all the senses, sight is one of the weakest,
thus it lacks the power to pull your reader into deep POV (point of
view).
***Just know I am riffing off these examples. Some people love detail, others love minimalism so I am
not doing anything other than providing quick illustrations. Ultimately, tailor these suggestions to
your particular voice.
Smells are very powerful. In fact, it is the most powerful of ALL the senses.
Jane stopped short. She stared at the blackened walls and peeling paint that testified to the fire that took twenty young lives.
Okay, pretty good. But maybe try this.
Jane stopped short. The
sickening sweet of cooked flesh stole her breath. It was all that
remained of twenty young lives extinguished in flames.
Taste is also very powerful.
Fifi tucked and rolled as she dove out of her captor’s van. The ground came up hard, harder than she expected.
Not bad, but maybe try…
Fifi’s face met the ground,
hard. At first, all she noticed was the bitterness of grass mixed with
sand that crunched against her teeth. A moment later? The taste of old
copper pennies gushed into her mouth, making her gag. Blood.
Try to use a combination of all of the senses to close the psychic distance. To rely solely on what a character
sees will
keep the reader at a distance. It will make her a mere observer and not
a participant. Also, y’all might have noticed novels are pretty
long so adding in other senses will broaden your emotional palette.
Tip #2 Don’t Coach the Reader
When we are new, we tend to think through stage direction, and that’s
fine, but it doesn’t mean it should end up on the page. Readers aren’t
dumb, so we don’t need all the details.
He raised his hand and struck her across the cheek.
Um, duh. We know he raised his hand to strike her. Otherwise, that would be a serious trick. Jedi mind powers, maybe?
He struck her across the cheek. Hard. Stars exploded in her vision.
We don’t need the character to step up on the curb or reach for the
door handle. If a character makes it from one room to another, we fill
in the missing (and boring) details. We also don’t need cues for
emotion.
Tip #3 Don’t State the Obvious
She slammed the door and cursed in anger.
Unless this character has spacial issues and Tourette’s? We know
she’s angry. We don’t “need” the “in anger” part. We’re sharp. We get
it. Really.
Tip #4 Can We Have a Name, Please?
This can happen a lot when the writer is using first-person. We go
two, three or ten pages and still don’t know the main character’s NAME.
Tip #5 Don’t Introduce Too Many Characters Too Quickly
This is the opposite of the last problem—too many names. I can’t tell
you how many writing samples I’ve received that make this mistake. If
you have ten named characters by page one? I’m done. In life, we can’t
keep up with that many names all at once, and when reading, that doesn’t
change.
Too many names will confuse us and muddle who the protagonist is. We
get lost, so we’re frustrated and we put the book down…or toss it across
the room.
Tip #6 Limit Naming Too Much Anything at Once
This can happen in science fiction and fantasy because we are
world-building. Just remember that if we name characters, places,
prophesies, weapons, technology, dragons, creatures, ships, robots etc.
it can overwhelm the reader. Stories are about
people and if the people get lost because of the world-building, that is problematic.
Jezebel gripped the Kum-Rah in
her bleeding hands. Panting, she stopped just short of the Uf-Tah’s
altar. Tomorrow the Gil-Had would sacrifice another Fluff-Tun.
I’m being a tad silly here, but maybe try something like…
Jezebel gripped her sword in her
bleeding hands. Panting, she stopped short of the ornate altar.
Tomorrow the Gil-Had would sacrifice another member of her family.
We still get
some world-building without our heads exploding
trying to keep up with names and figure out who is who and what is
what. Later, as the story progresses, we can learn that the bad guys are
the Uf-Tah, the henchmen are the Gil-Had and the victims are the
Fluff-Tah. We can eventually learn the names of particular weapons.
Tip #7 Give Us an “Idea” of Who a Character Is and What He/She Looks Like
Don’t feel the need to bog us down too much, but by page one, we
should know at least some basics about a character. Few things get
weirder than reading about a character for five or ten pages and then
realizing they are another race or gender.
Whaaaa??? He’s a black dude?
Tip #8 Strive to Give Us a Sense of Time and Place
Again, a few details are helpful to orient us where we
are.
Whether it is the smell of horse manure, the rattling of carriages or
the whir of computers, we need to get grounded quickly to become part of
the world and fall into that fictive dream.
Tip #9 No Secret Agents
We are introduced to who we assume is the protagonist. Unless
something cues us otherwise, we assume he/she is alone. When another
character suddenly starts talking?
Jarring.
Also,
tell us who this person is in relation to the character. Yes, you (the writer) know who this character is, but we don’t.
Gertrude awoke with a start. Her
alarm clock hadn’t gone off, and panic gripped her. This was her first
day at the new job, and being late could get her fired before she even
started. She nearly fell as she scrambled out of the bed sheets and
bolted for the coffee maker.
“I thought you’d be gone by now,” Ted said as he watered his Bonsai trees.
“Me, too. Hey, why didn’t you come wake me up?”
Okay, who is Ted? Brother? Husband? Boyfriend? Friendly home invader? We need to know. Maybe not
right away but at least on the same page or pretty close to it.
I see this all the time. A name, some dialogue but no introduction,
so no sense of who that character is. We are book-readers not
mind-readers.
Tip #10 Tighten the Prose
The biggest red flag to me as an editor is an infestation of the word
“was.” This is a major indicator of weak writing and passive voice. If a
writer does this on page one? Fairly safe to assume the trend will
continue.
Do a Was Hunt. See too many of those buggers together? Time to kill.
It was barely dawn and Lulu was sitting on the couch. She was waiting for her father who was already hours late. This was unusual for him. He was always punctual. A crack that was deafening made her scream and moments later the door was kicked in by the police who barked orders for her to get down on the floor.
Instead….
Predawn light spilled into the
room where Lulu sat, waiting for her father to be home. He was never
late. Ever. A deafening crack made her scream. Police kicked in the door
and ordered her to the floor.
There are a lot of other ways to tighten the writing, but these are
common offenders and a great start. We all do this no matter how many
books we write. It’s why we need revision. We can spot this stuff and
clean it up and make it presentable for the public.
What are some of your pet peeves? What loses you as a reader? Do
these tips help? Do you see maybe some of your own bad habits? Btw, I
did ALL of these at one time, so we are all friends
:D .
I love hearing from you!
To prove it and show my love, for the month of APRIL, everyone who
leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link
back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What
do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner
once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your
novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).
Also, for more help on how to use characters to ratchet anxiety to the nerve-shreding level, I am offering my
Understanding the Antagonist Class on April 18th and YES, it is recorded in case you miss or need to listen again because this class is jammed with information.
I LOVE teaching this simply because our antagonists are pivotal for
writing a story (series) readers can’t put down. Yet, too often we fail
to harness characters for max effect. I look forward to seeing you
there! I also offer the Gold level for one-on-one. Maybe you’ve hit a
dead end. Your story is so confusing you need a GPS and a team of
sherpas to find the original idea. Instead of wasting time with
misguided revisions, I can help you triage your WIP and WHIP it into
fighting form
:D .
For those who need help building a platform and keeping it SIMPLE, pick up a copy of my latest social media/branding book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World on AMAZON, iBooks, or Nook.